Five Minutes

6.10pm: Monica sits at her computer table with Beyonce playing in the background. Five minutes ago, she took a picture and edited it. And decided to post it.

6.10pm and a bit: She looks outside her window and admires the new plant/tree.

6.11pm: Monica's mind is blank. She wonders what she should write next. Something clever. C'mon, think of something clever. The clock is ticking.

6.12pm: She remembers that while driving home, she wanted to make a detour to a restaurant and have dinner by herself. Somewhere grand. Where she can have a nice warm cuppa and cake after. But in the end she decided to continue her drive home.

6.13pm: She licks her lips. Her lipbalm is no longer as good as it used to be. Well, it's the same thing, it just does not have the same effect on her lips. They get dry soon after she applies it.

6.14pm: She looks back at her computer after saying hello to her housemate. She can hear another voice and is guessing that there is another person in the house... besides the housemate.

6.15pm: Monnie wonders what was the point of this post. She was editing on a couple of pictures but got distracted by the webcam function on the online photo editor. The pic reminds her a lot of this girl that added her on facebook and ponders taking off the picture.

6.16pm: 5 minutes gone

Shutdown

I guess at the end of the day, all we can do is press the "shutdown" button. And I'm not referring to the computers that we work with.

I can get quite worked up at work. And also it tires me out so much that I start rambling without knowing what I'm saying. Maybe I really need to find the "restart" button instead.

I get that way when I'm bogged down with work. When I'm on auto/multi-task mode, I stop making sense.

I need to think twice before I pick up the phone at work. Reminder to self: Figure out what you want before you call. And stop multi-tasking when waiting on someone to answer your call. Extremely unprofessional!

Okay, will do that from now onwards. I do get carried away sometimes. Just need to take a step back and reassess what I'm doing at work. And how I can improve it. And what to watch out for.

Music with bass

If I was in Bali or Brazil right... now, I'd probably be doing the same ol shizz, just in a different place.

For real.

What's going on in my head right now?

If I could spell out music, it would probably look like this...

zzzzzz (for the electric parts)

fjielsjfiskeldksnslfiejd (it probably does not make a lot of sense but I was typing out words to the beat of a song I was listening to)

nuh (o) nuh (o) nuh (for the funky echo-y tung a lungs - yes, tung a lungs actually exists in my world of make-up vocab)

If I could make up my own language it would sound like this:

Awayowayofiyaa! - aka. I like that!

Nodateenteentoneeeee! - aka. That's nasty!

Ahh, I feel better now.

Over it

I have realised that without alcohol, things look very different. And feel differently too. Whilst I am not saying alcohol is a bad thing, I just don't think it is good for me.

Yes, I know there are people who are good at consuming alcohol in moderation and am familiar with the saying that a glass of red can be good, medically. And that it does compliment some foods.

But at one point, it became too much of a habit for me. I was drinking on a weekly basis and on some occassions, it was in excess. So I admit, when it comes to alcohol, I really have no self control. Which is part of the reason why I have stopped drinking... since August. It was my chance to step into the world of sober-ity.

What upsets me is that I have to justify myself each time I say no to drinking. I do not expect people to understand. And I can't force them to.

Now the real question is whether I will start drinking again. I did set the goal for "no drinking till the end of 2009" but I'm thinking of continuing the no-drinking regime for as long as I can. I'd like to think that I can enjoy a glass of red now and again. But realistically, I don't think I drink for the right reasons... not like there is a good/right reason anyway.

Again, trying to justify myself. Why can't people just leave me alone? FYI, I was out tonight and was asked a million times to drink. And for the past I dunno how many weeks. Countless times being persuaded to drink.

Over it.

So over it.

But I'm thankful for friends who are supportive of this. Especially those who do drink and enjoy their alcohol and yet, do not need any reasoning or question why I choose not to drink.

So lesson learnt. May I be supportive of my friends too because little does go a long way.

Toilet Dramas

Let's face it, there is nothing you can do when your tummy does somersaults and decides it wants to dispose of whatever is sitting there, digested or not. Maybe it's the intestines. Whatever it is, no matter how much you try to calm yourself down or how fast you run, it's going to get you.

And when it does, you better hope that you're where you should be when the "release" occurs.

I have been caught in situations where I have had to make an impromptu exit to the nearest restaurant, gas station, cafe, pub, train station... oh, the list goes on.

I'm powerless. Embarrassed tho I really shouldn't be. Tis merely a call of nature. Emergency slash urgent slash "no other choice" type of call.

So for those people who laugh, I hope that one day you shit in your pants. No, seriously.

Not so funny anymore is it?

FYI, no one has ever laughed at my toilet dramas. In fact, they have all been very patient and understanding. Very patient. Probably because they understand. Maybe everybody has been through it. So, okay, I do not (I repeat, I do NOT) hope that you shit in your pants.

Anyway, it sure ain't funny when it happens.

What's Monnie doing?

Indulging in Bernachon chocolates from Lyon

Waiting for the bus along Adelaide Terrace

Watching the Melbourne Cup

Going on a road trip to Swan Valley - me boo's driving

Busting out moves in a carpark
I name this "mambojambo" cuz of the crazyas jumping around - HAHA!

Satisfy a craving

This was a craving that started a few weeks ago when a workmate brought Krispy Kremes to work. Which I did not eat. And since then, I have been wanting to bite into a good soft perfectly sugary donut.

I even asked one of my friends who was going to Melbourne to get a box for me. Passed him money and all. But I just could not wait.

I was craving for a good donut soooo bad that I googled for the best donut place in Perth. Read up on different places but only one stood out. The Doghouse. No, the name in itself does not sound appealing but the reviews were good.

So I was set. Only problem - it was only opened Mondays to Fridays 6am to 3pm and Saturdays. It was a Sunday when I discovered the existence of the place on google. But I was not going to be defeated. I had a master plan.

Drive all the way to the corner of Francisco St and Orrong Rd and then drive to Vic Park, leave my car at the side of the road and catch the bus to work. Completely out of my normal work morning routine but the craving overtook all other thinking.

So I drove there... (note: the first two photos were taken on the Sunday because erm... I was trying my luck)

Box of 6 donuts in my hand...



I gobbled two donuts down before the clock hit 8.30am. Such a pity because I was not feeling particularly well that morning so I didn't really get to enjoy the donuts. And soon after, my throat became very sore and nose was all runny. Yes, I came down with a cold and had to go home. Stayed in bed all day. And the day after.

Now I'm craving the donuts again. But this time, I'm thinking Dunkin Donuts. But I shan't get them just yet. Still recovering from Monday and Tuesday. Gaaa... why you donuts!!!!

Guilt trip

I've been paranoid ever since I've made the last post. And guilty. Mainly because she is genuinely a nice person and I should take her comments as they are. And be comforted by the fact that she trusts me enough to let me know what she truly thinks.

I can be quite a knucklehead sometimes and not know when to draw the line - things that I can blog about... and things that I probably shouldn't blog about (e.g: issues that might twist into something that's on a completely different scale altogether). Hence the reason why I have removed the post.

But Marie, this does not stop us from chatting about it on Sat!!

Ways to save money

Not easy at all. I sent my car off to get serviced and $300 will leave me bank account tomorrow. And I have to get my teeth fixed this and next weekend. Another $300. When my car insurance is due, that will cost me an arm and a leg.

Then, there's birthdays / christmas / catch-up dinners / lunches / I'm too lazy to cook days / The sandwich that I made is not yummy enough, I'm going to subway days. All fun but it leaves Monnie spending a bit more than she should on a weekly basis.

And the 6 month necessities that are stocked up and used over a period of time but cost heaps at one go - rice, make-up, curry powder (which my mom brought over so I saved on that - yippee!!). I stopped buying milo because it was too expensive (buy, drink once and find that it has changed its composition in the pantry).

I'd rather go without dinners sometimes (very rare dilemma) because I wouldn't know what to cook and I do get sick of eating out. It's just not the same as home cooked food.

On the bright side, I now plan my Chrissy gifts and buy way in advance. Bargain hunter!

How do you deal?

What if I wake up one day to find myself 2 feet tall? To find that I have to struggle getting out of bed, making sure that I don't fall on my way down. That I have to stand on a stool to brush my teeth. To have to design a shower so I can adjust the shower head.

To find that even what I see is not what people normally see. That I will not be able to see eye to eye with other people when I'm walking in the streets. That when I go shopping, tip-toeing might not be the trick to getting clothes off the rack. Finding that a size 1 shoe is still too big.

All these things go unnoticed in our lives. The gift of sight. Going through life without a limp. The ability to speak. And yet we sit at our desks feeling dissatisfied whilst people struggle to get up on their chair at work.

Does this push us to be better? Do we say, okay, I don't mind leaving my job, the one that gives me stability, to do something that will most probably not pay as much but will give me a chance to help other people. Do we only give freely when it's something that affects us? Do we only start up foundations for a good cause only when we are directly affected by it?

Are we doing nice things because we want to do it? Do we say "yes" to people because we want to or because we think they want us to? Are there times when we feel disappointed after agreeing to help with something because we were told off for not doing a good enough job. Does the work mean nothing even when you have done it with all your heart?

These are questions that can only be answered with experience and possibly with the company of someone who can tell you that it is when you are working the hardest, when you feel like you have done nothing, that is when you've pressed the reset button to do even more. But you also have to learn to not underestimate your work. And to face disappointment from others with a heart that accepts hard truths and to take it with a pinch of salt.

I found a little piece of heaven on my way home today but it burnt my purse pretty bad. As I grow older, I find that I want to know more about the things that I am buying. The clothes that I am wearing. Who made them, what's their purpose for making them, why should I buy them.

Little efforts to make changes... good changes do not start with a "I don't think that...". Too much effort goes into doubting. Believe and you will see changes. No matter how minuscule they are. A tiny splinter can cause much discomfort. So imagine what a small gesture of good can mean to another person's life.

Remember that Monnie. Remember when you are down and feeling worthless... that is when you should push yourself and raise the bars... goals are limitless so aim high.

Miss the most

I miss chewing on cotton candy-flavoured bubble gum
now i take mint-flavoured chewies

I miss calling my best friend's home phone with my old skool pre-cordless home phone and chatting for hours
i haven't used a home phone for years, let alone chat for hours

I miss having a best friend
i don't believe in best friends anymore

I miss seeing raindrops on the car window while my dad's driving
i haven't been in the same car as my dad in over a year

I miss studying at the kitchen/dining table and falling asleep
i stay in my room after coming home from work, that's the only place i feel comfortable

I miss saying goodnight to the family before going off to sleep
i wake up some nights afraid of time lost, time that could have been spent with my family

Internal rage

Yes, I do wake up some mornings with clouds of thoughts in my head and it gets so convoluted that it makes me want to smash something. Throw something at the wall. Take my anger out on someone. Anyone. Note it down in dot points and scream it out.

And I can become so angry. And the only person that I can take this anger out on is myself. Then it becomes a question of why I am this or why I am that. Why do I think like this? Is it one's incapability of grasping the roots of maturity and reasonable thinking or is it something that even the most experienced faces on a uneventful Sunday morning? It's like trying to squeeze a giant blob into a tiny box. Not impossible maybe but hard to contain.

About five minutes ago, seriously, while writing this blog, I spilled the fruit bowl that I was eating out of. It was like a dramatic demonstration of how I felt, tho unintentional. The whipped cream was everywhere. My pants, my keyboard, my computer table, the carpet, the cupboard. It was a complete mess.

I was neither angry nor upset at the spillage. I wiped the mess up and in the process, I probably made it cleaner than it was. That's when it clicked. It only takes a bullet of thought to mess things, as mundane and ordinary as they may seem, but maybe it is a brutal push to make things better.

The question now lies in what I'm going to do. There ain't no spillage so what am I fussing about cleaning up for?